tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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