On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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