im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
My day in three words: secret purse cake
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
