please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
