I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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