I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
what the fuck happened to the tacos
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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