i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
