At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
