im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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