Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
