Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
