I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Are my feet made of real feet?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
