found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
