im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
