why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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