You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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