So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
