I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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