Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
