I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
