Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
