It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
