If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
