he shaved USA in his pubs
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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