You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i think i just lost a toe
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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