I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
