The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Its about making memories worth repressing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
