I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I want a musical about memes.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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