...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
