I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
where am i from again
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
