You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
