His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
