dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
