On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
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