What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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