Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
