The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
