I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
