I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
