I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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