I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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