Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
