my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Randomize
