so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
