Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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