dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
