yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Randomize
