I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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