Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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