Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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