Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
