Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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